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ever feel the need to start anew? afresh?

i’m feeling that here, that this blog has served in its time and now it is time for a little change. i’m feeling that in life now, that my current way of being in the world is no longer full-scale serving.

as the last post depicts, sometimes the soul moves beneath ground and on the surface one doesn’t appear as one thinks or has planned oneself. tonight/early tomorrow morning i plan to board a greyhound which will take me to a vipassana retreat, my first one of this type (though i have done silent retreats and meditative weekends in the past). it will be 10 days of silence, meditation, and introspection. in a way it feels as though/i know that i have wanted this my entire life and it is time now.

while i was in bend, oregon on my bike trip, i went to a healing fair one morning with my friend diane. there were many shamans and healers, etc etc there and it was an amazing morning of engaging and sharing with multifaceted energies. first, i ventured to a woman who worked with stones and she said something poignant as she was reading my energy which i am remembering now, “you’ve been living as a monk.” now whether i have fully disclosed this voluntarily simplistic, even at times ascetic (although also very aesthetic in my way), style of living with the world is one thing, but when she said this it was an ‘of course’ for me. yes, i have felt drawn to the contemplative life often (although in recent years i’ve doused this with a healthy balance of dionysian liberty) and most likely would have joined some sort of religio-spiritual community if not for the wildness in my spirit which bucks organized and entrenched philosophies and rigidly structured communities. that being said, in the secret and quiet of my own person, i’ve practiced a hand-crafted monkish spirituality imbued with plentiful introspection, a myriad of religio-spiritual samplings, and directly rooted cosmic nourishment. i’ve sampled the religio-spiritual traditions. i’ve explored different cultures. i’ve broken down barriers within myself on many levels. i’ve become aware of a lot of the patternings imprinted from the acculturation and indoctrination of my formative years. i’ve met countless self-proclaimed healers and equally magical laypeople with whom i’ve shared many beautiful, at times earth-shattering, cosmic, heartening, challenging relationships and connections of healing and growth for which i am eternally thankful.

yet, i find myself at another juncture and, inherent in this, is an opportunity to grow beyond and into mySelf more. to know myself better. in part it reminds me of one of the most monkish periods in my life a few years back, which i refer to as My Great Depression. i spent a lot of time inward during that period, reflecting on my being in relation to the world, discovering what was important to me, gaining momentum from within, as it were, in order to enjoy a challenging growth spurt in the next rotation of the wheel. included in these periods is often a struggle with latency, ambiguity, uncertainty, self-doubt, inwardness, aloneness, a general pathos of stuckness. having experienced this before, and even gone so far in the past as to question whether suicide is a viable option, i find myself better equipped to be in relation to this inward and decidedly “winter” of my being. this time, understanding the nature of my cycles, it has beckoned the question of whether, as a mirroring reflector of the earth and her rhythms, i am simply in a dormant period, as life in many places around the world is during this season. intuitively, i feel this as true.

this is all to say that i feel very beneath the surface, chthonic, seedlike in this season’s waiting. my dreams are vivid and inspiring. the other night i dreamt of a person in my life i love and feel deeply yet, for whatever reason on the surface don’t talk to or spend much time with in time and space. in the dream she had just arrived and we were sitting next to each other on a bench talking to a new friend of mine who was going to go under for surgery, specifically ACL reconstruction, a surgery i have in fact had. we were questioning whether i would have the surgery too and i said that i wasn’t emotionally prepared for it, that i had thought the surgery was coming in a few days and this is what i was readying myself for. in the midst of this discussion, i let my hand drop to my side where the hand of the girls rested and i let my hand sit atop hers and then slowly held her hand in mine. she didn’t pull away, but held my hand too and we sat there holding hands. of course i was in heaven and i awoke to the daylight and birds singing outside of my squat with the feeling of holding her hand. in reality, my hand was on my stomach, yet the energy i felt in the dream was literally coursing through my hand. it was as if she was with me, as if we were present together.

this dream holds special importance for me because during My Great Depression, this person magically came to me where i was in obscurity and provided the spark necessary for my moving on. this is still what she represents to me and i am thankful for her being and meaning to me.

all of this to say, i am not sure where i am headed. there are a few opportunities on the table for the year, yet, at this point, none of them are calling to me with such intensity that i am certain in my choice. follow the heart, i hear, follow the heart. and yet, my heart is here with me now; we are here together and i’m not sure that following my heart means doing anything different from what i am doing right now.

i may create a new blog. lay this one to rest. i bought the domain name wrenhaffner.com so the new blog may be there, if i can find some hosting service that fits my needs/desires. i’m deeply excited for this opportunity to try the vipassana retreat. on the eve of my departure, this is me letting go. this is me allowing myself. this is me saying i don’t have the answers and i’m open for universal direction in alignment with my deepest wishes and desires here. this is me surrendered and asking to know myself more.

until next time, ciao~

wren!

i am breaking further

i can’t speak for anyone else

yet this morning and last night, last night i sat in a heap of pain. i didn’t drink wine to distance myself from it, i didn’t endulge in my myriad of distractions. i layed in the womb and felt it. i said to myself, it will be better in the morning.

and it was, the pain was less, yet as i went to meditate and felt my hard stomach holding the breath, my whole body feeling like laying down and sobbing like a little child, i tried to breathe into this pain, to sit with it.

i layed down at one point, and breathed exaggeratedly, i let tears come, but they wouldn’t come, not all the way. i sat back up and continued breathing, i continued sitting.

someone was mowing a lawn nearby and it made me want to cry. there was a loud industrial vacuum in the house next door (which is still going on…), there is noise everywhere and i fucking hate it! the highway noise, planes bustling overhead, cars whizzing by! i hate it! my organism can’t stand it. this is the feeling of overwhelm which makes me want to lie down and weep and surrender.

 

so that is what i did, as the pain of The Ways Things Are Now became so great and the meditation finished I said to my friend sitting next to me, I feel like a little kid, I feel like rolling up in a ball and crying, I feel so much pain.

 

And he asked what kind of pain it was, Is it anxiety, is it the pain of this or that..etc etc… and i said, no

 

It is the pain of The Way Things Are, it is the pain i feel that the world is the way it is – when did it become okay to not have clean air or water, when did we forget? when is all this noise okay? is it ever silent? I don’t know if this is my unfinished pain or the my pain at the world, yet I can’t handle it any more!

 

Your pain in relation to the world, he reflected

 

Yes, I replied and broke

I broke down and sobbed uncontrollably, I cried like a baby, wailing, and even embarrassed at my wailing, yet knowing deep enough that i need this grieving, to allow myself to do it as much as i can. to free myself to feel  this pain and have an honest response. weeping, all of my pain flashed before my eyes. the extreme violence of our culture and the forcing i’ve put on myself to be about partaking in it.

 

the thing is, i want to be involved, want to be connected, i want to be apart and this is what i was hearing toward the end of this speech yesterday- that the workers on the oil rigs aren’t evil and completely destructive people, they want to be a part of an exciting, groundbreaking, connected project that they feel and think serves their ideology, the ideology of our infinite growth culture, what serves “progress”.

yet the truth is that these things do not serve health and wellness, true growth toward beauty, love, connection. they are destroying life on a massive scale, as was said in the talk yesterday “not only for all of future generations, but for right now as well.” the workers on the rigs, etc have knowledge of this, at least in part. for we all do, as every organism has the ability to feel as it is energetically attuned to our deeper knowing, totally integrated and in-formed as a part of our larger planet, our Earth.

this pain overtook me today, I released myself to it. and the most wonderful part is that, apart from feeling powerless after such a breaking through, i feel more powerful, gentler, clearer, more resolved in knowing what it is i have to do, what is my deep calling to do. this is my path here, this is why i am here. to feel, to respond, to call, to deeply love and care and live my truth.

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