i am breaking further

i can’t speak for anyone else

yet this morning and last night, last night i sat in a heap of pain. i didn’t drink wine to distance myself from it, i didn’t endulge in my myriad of distractions. i layed in the womb and felt it. i said to myself, it will be better in the morning.

and it was, the pain was less, yet as i went to meditate and felt my hard stomach holding the breath, my whole body feeling like laying down and sobbing like a little child, i tried to breathe into this pain, to sit with it.

i layed down at one point, and breathed exaggeratedly, i let tears come, but they wouldn’t come, not all the way. i sat back up and continued breathing, i continued sitting.

someone was mowing a lawn nearby and it made me want to cry. there was a loud industrial vacuum in the house next door (which is still going on…), there is noise everywhere and i fucking hate it! the highway noise, planes bustling overhead, cars whizzing by! i hate it! my organism can’t stand it. this is the feeling of overwhelm which makes me want to lie down and weep and surrender.

 

so that is what i did, as the pain of The Ways Things Are Now became so great and the meditation finished I said to my friend sitting next to me, I feel like a little kid, I feel like rolling up in a ball and crying, I feel so much pain.

 

And he asked what kind of pain it was, Is it anxiety, is it the pain of this or that..etc etc… and i said, no

 

It is the pain of The Way Things Are, it is the pain i feel that the world is the way it is – when did it become okay to not have clean air or water, when did we forget? when is all this noise okay? is it ever silent? I don’t know if this is my unfinished pain or the my pain at the world, yet I can’t handle it any more!

 

Your pain in relation to the world, he reflected

 

Yes, I replied and broke

I broke down and sobbed uncontrollably, I cried like a baby, wailing, and even embarrassed at my wailing, yet knowing deep enough that i need this grieving, to allow myself to do it as much as i can. to free myself to feel  this pain and have an honest response. weeping, all of my pain flashed before my eyes. the extreme violence of our culture and the forcing i’ve put on myself to be about partaking in it.

 

the thing is, i want to be involved, want to be connected, i want to be apart and this is what i was hearing toward the end of this speech yesterday- that the workers on the oil rigs aren’t evil and completely destructive people, they want to be a part of an exciting, groundbreaking, connected project that they feel and think serves their ideology, the ideology of our infinite growth culture, what serves “progress”.

yet the truth is that these things do not serve health and wellness, true growth toward beauty, love, connection. they are destroying life on a massive scale, as was said in the talk yesterday “not only for all of future generations, but for right now as well.” the workers on the rigs, etc have knowledge of this, at least in part. for we all do, as every organism has the ability to feel as it is energetically attuned to our deeper knowing, totally integrated and in-formed as a part of our larger planet, our Earth.

this pain overtook me today, I released myself to it. and the most wonderful part is that, apart from feeling powerless after such a breaking through, i feel more powerful, gentler, clearer, more resolved in knowing what it is i have to do, what is my deep calling to do. this is my path here, this is why i am here. to feel, to respond, to call, to deeply love and care and live my truth.