What it is, dear readers, is that I am coming more out of the closet~ that dark shadowy place where parts of ourselves hide from the oft facaded light of day.

I was reminded last night of the secret lives of so many. Of the closeted and secret impulses which grow GrOw GROW over time and manifest in strange, curious, sometimes crude and unhealthy ways. Like the geyser that has a lid on it and once enough pressure is built up, EXPLODES!

Well, I have no real desire to do that in this lifetime. I’d rather unfurl like a lovely rose in spring, make love with my self and writings, fondle them and turn them over a hundred times in my hands, claw at their bases with my fingers as I do to mounds searching for new potatoes.

I’d rather share aspects of myself which I love (and am in some cases learning to navigate, except and accept) over time. Let steam out little by little. For in this lifetime I do want to be healthily transparent, honest, forthright, patient and prurient (okay, I had to throw that last one in there).

It’s amazing how I’ve changed since my freshman year of college nearly 8 years ago (the word prurient reminds me- for that is when I first learned it as I gave my 12 minutes, no note card!, speech in speech class about the negative effects prurient music videos have on mental states and cultural habits. I remember James Allen’s As a man thinketh, so he is was one of my major points.), and how we and I continue to transform, in some ways stay the same, yet ever-grow and shift and learn and show. There is more shared voice in me now. I am more confident in the sharing, in the content (not that it is secure or fixed, but because I love it, I love sharing and expressing).

And I am cultivating profusion, as I wrote earlier over some mate:

My profusion, I wear as the nuns do, my habit.

Is this a contradiction? A profuse and prurient nun?

Baffling.

My friend Maggie yesterday voiced to me,
I feel I overwhelm others. Still so great, though. Some personalities are ocean length.

I voice in relation to her,
Maggie, does the stream hold back, Maggie, in all of its torrent?
Does the sun ask if it overwhelms us when it does? And do we forever begrudge it? Or do we realize it is its essence to shine so and appreciate and befriend it, prepare for it in its way?
Sometimes when the sun burns us or dries us out, we dislike the constancy of the sun. Yet, as you say, the sun is God, too, and I reckon there’s nothing more worshipped than the sun. Overwhelm, and in this I hear you say, I fear I am too much (and I wonder this within, too, mirror), Yet people come and go as they will and the sun, as long as it can share shine, is an abundant blessing, within its rays I can come and go in flow as I will.

—–
Truth be told: I am exuberant, exhilarated, joyfully re-membered as I share myself like the sun. When I hold back or hide, my experience becomes one of this character. It can be drafty in the shadows and in the dark it’s hard to know if one is alone or in company. Not that it always matters and Not that I have to or will share Everything! Yet some favorite parts are wanting and readying to be shared, to step into the light of day to hold hands and to stand, beautiful, if, at times timid and coy.

In fact, I’ll share this with you now:
One of my lifelong goals is to be a beautiful abundance, to share joy, peace, of my grounded existence when i have one, whatever Healths I have of heart(h) and home with my world. This, I ascertain, is one of my most complexly simple and enduring callings and supreme joys.

In joy I manifest, in confidence and beneficial intent I share, in excitement my parts and I step forth from the shadows, smiling, Hello, love!