the thoughts are back to me again. i am having dreams of people from high school. people from my way aback past. i don’t talk to these people or think of them often in my conscious mind. sometimes the dreams are haunting; the people return with some message for me. other times the dreams just seem absurd or random. but i am waking up with that familiar feeling again. a feeling that propelled my journeying last year. it’s the dissatisfaction upon waking, the ugh another day in This Story feeling. it’s not that there isn’t Great potential here. heck, i am in the lap (or, at least, outskirts) of one of the booming entertainment, diversity meccas in the world. it’s just not The Story my spirit wants to manifest.

and so i am gaining steam, full steam ahead! as i did last year as i housesat for John and Susan. (the coffee set in almost immediately.)

(got sidetracked looking at joan’s pictures – now wanting to make a rocket stove.)

there are many blessings here and i have no doubt that everything is unfolding as it should, and is, and everything will meet up as it always does. the massage job i applied for, well, if i get massages for half the hours i work, i could make around $800/wk, which is more than i’ve ever made in my life and will set me up nicely for the journey. we’ll see, inshaAllah.

i woke up irritable today, the fire for my journey bubbling, hitting the serene waters inside, making steam. i felt like i was going to bust~ i was even frustrated with Ruffy, the house-sit dog, for wanting my attention and licking himself sitting so close to me. there are many blessings here, and this time of quiet is one in which i create the energy nest egg for the journey. it is when the intention is set, the vision grows, and the fuel builds so the journey has enough spark to keep it alive. i haven’t undertaken a journey of this magnitude before, and, of course, there is anxiety in the enormity of it, and how closely i hold it. (loosen your hold.) but, yesterday, as magda posted how unabashed my FIDES sharing was, and after the crafty crunchers stamp-making event, i realized how vulnerable i felt after sharing my journey. i looked up vulnerable and etymologically it comes from wound. so i did and must do some questioning, why am i feeling vulnerable, what wounds am i exposing, what tender places in my psyche am i airing out for the world to see?

in reflection upon those vulnerable feelings i was experiencing acutely yesterday, i realize that i am okay being vulnerable, and perhaps it is in that space of transparency, broken-openness where i feel most alive and set free. magda used the word unabashed, which essentially means not ashamed. i still have shame inside of me, and perhaps the only way to move it is to love it through and act as though i am okay with those things and eventually i will be. it’s worked before for a myriad of things. and last night at the creative juice bar, i was video-taped twice! sharing my experience of the event. not only was that the first time i have been video-documented in a long while, but it felt like an omen of what is to come – that i will be sharing myself, verbally and perhaps through my fingers in ways that i haven’t been shared before. so, i felt the stretch of my anxiety in front of the camera, my fear of being on the spot, of holding my own energy, unplanned, on the fly with no interruptions, and even though i judged it after it was over, i am glad that i did it. Here comes the judge! hahah i think of this funny saying this one old and wise blogger wrote about -if that judgmental voice still looms for you, if you hear him or her coming say in a funny voice Here comes de judge! haha, makes me laugh every time.

this entry is much more like a private journal entry, i usually edit my feelings  a lot more, am a lot more polished. so i’m not sure if i’ll share this one – although parts of me want to, parts of this representation feel too personal. perhaps it’s time to air them out, as well….

i’ve been looking for that woman’s blog (really, she was in her eighties, blogging!) but can’t find it. i came across this blog instead and nom nomed on this phrase (and the paragraphs after them) instead, “a very severe case of “terminal” uniqueness.” you’ll have to read the post to understand where he’s coming from and the implications he drew out of it, but i think i may have this too. this feeling of being different, and perhaps this need to be different. i have felt this in the past and as the blogger says, thoughts like this come alongside, “Things just don’t seem to apply to me; I’m different; My circumstances are different; I‘m unique.”

it’s my hope in sharing this aspect of myself (my need to be unique) that it will lessen its strength a little, and i can be more transparent with what i really want out of life, with where i am currently, and so feel more freedom from the cloistered ego’s demands. the spirit doesn’t think in terms of ordinary, extra ordinary, unique, individual, same… for truly we are all the same in certain ways, certainly unique in others, and necessarily individual in our being, while also being very together in all of this. these descriptors aside, i want to be honest, forthright, and compassionate. if compassion comes from together+ suffering, to feel with the suffering of another, one cannot do this if one sees oneself apart from the needs and sufferings of another because one is “so different” (and therefore cannot relate) than the other.

it’s time to let this part go….

the freedom that comes with release from a part that was holding me tight, hugging itself alone, no longer has to create shame ripples while feeling ashamed and covering the blame. adam and eve hid just the same… but really it’s easier to say Here I Am, with my quibbles and all, naked and standing, uncloaked from shawl.