I wish that life would not be cheap, but sacred. I wish the days to be as centuries, loaded, fragrant.

R.W. Emerson

Quiet morning walked to Intelligentsia for a cappuccino

in beauty

The cappuccino is very good

the barista put a heart in it and designs like this   I said it’s beautiful and he smiled

He filled it until it was above the lip and I slurped in the heart stretching toward me like this  except with the bottom of and edges blurred more like this  except more stretched like this 

but thinner than that

And he said perfect

And we shared a smile

This cappuccino is really very good and I think of my old friend RB _relax the left shoulder_ who is opening a starbucks in Kentucky where she has lived for the past few years

And i think of HR who was in my dream last night And HW, too, also in my dream And I really just wanted to write about H because the dream felt very good + I love H and want to be her friend, even though, as G said, probably everyone wants to be her friend

The dream made me feel good – not in a light happy way but in a deep beautiful way. Which is the mood I still carry.

It reminds me of living in Bloomington when I was 21 and desperate for life

I wonder if I am afraid to fall into love with life, into life with love.

I know I wrote about this memory recently which is strange because I haven’t thought of this except to write it down and I think of plenty of other things often that may be more fitting to write down

One thing sticks out about that memory; one day, in particular.

Up very early for some reason Dawn early with the new sun the one that feels hopeful fresh bright the brightness that is not hot but white and shining everywhere while the sky air is still cool

And things are quieter out than they will be in a few hours because most people are recent and not lived. I probably biked up Henderson + down Indiana that day and I stopped in the bagel shop where the attendant woman said you look familiar, which I got a lot in Bloomington and I pretended like it was true even though I was certain I had never met her. I went to the chapel that morning and was shaky from the coffee I drank at the bagel shop There was this edge I had at that time

I felt more like a piece of land with an oil well on it stored energy deep in the earth pressurized yearned to be released

whereas now I don’t feel like that

I feel more like a field with sunshine on it, clouds coming and going. I have less stored energy now. I think it is more distributed across the land. For a few years now I have met people who remind me of the mustard seed parable. The one tree who was a seed alone that died and grew into a tree where lots of birds nest in the branches.

I have a deep desire to be that and it pleases me deeply that I feel I am becoming that.